the sunday new york times.

good evening. i believe that last sunday, i wrote mentioning that i get creative/antsy/bored/excited on sunday nights. i am usually alone and nervous about monday.

my holiday was wonderful. i think it could be the best thanksgiving, ever. the only missing thing was physically absent family and friends... all presence aside, that does not really matter.

hum, i'd rather sleep.

this always happens.

sunday night. monday morning. around 1am, i get really creative.

i now think that it is not about death, but more about the fragility of life. all of the talk of walking on the edge, walking on water, let me fall is really about fragility, the pending plumit. it is that fear that keeps us in line.

so, given the 50th time i have reviewed the matrial from my latest inspiration, i now see it differently:
-cultivating a life where your walking is progressive, lifting you to newer places.

you never know what you have until it is out of reach.

who are the ones that bring things to life?

soul food.

what is quality time? i think i figured it out.

on a quiet, gloomy sunday night, i take a pause to reflect on the past two nights... a grin, a giggile, squint of the eye. probably the most profound time in our relationship.

it is amazing what a fresh coat of paint can do, not only to the colors of your wall, but to your mind, soul, and heart.

two hair cuts or one cocktail? both of us have shorter hair.

when looking around i could not tell who were his, who were mine. finally, it didn't matter. it was one big love. one love, between us. the cast of his show has many of the same characters, roles, and actors as mine. i love that.

the house became a home.

i walk the earth. i touch the sky. i am an angel, in your eyes.

hang on.

connectivity. connected. wow. what a funny little world we live in- where the mind can out rule the hearts desire to reintroduce those "connecting" factors that make us calm, or ideal.

i am discovering that when aesthetics are willingly altered into an organized, contrived, cohesive reality, all supporting factors of my life fall into place. taking out the dirt reduces the chances of mud in the event it rains. i never knew what it felt like to really be called special. it rocks.

i am still as disgustingly (bordering on being obnoxiously) happy as i was last time i wrote in this blog. i tend to grin at random times. my sincere happiness rubs off... professors, pedestrians, people notice it. i love that.

i am wondering if a day will come when i do not wake up to an alarm, or do not feel the need to jump out of bed and accomplish something as soon as i wake up. i want a legitimate day off. i want to be care free. wait, every time that actually happens i get nervous that there are things i should be doing. because i am a virgo? because i am a freak? i need to calm down.

next tuesday she is coming up here. it is a really exciting, big deal. wonderful for her, great for me. she, he, and i are going out to the country with them. should be an amazing time. [almost] everyone i love under one roof. oh, and food- i love that too. it would be a safe bet to say that i will spill something at some point.

two weeks i have more family visiting. i love sharing my world with people i share blood with. makes me happy.

last night was incredible. not because of what was consumed, what i was wearing (but looked pretty fucking spiffy) but what i got to witness. wait, i was not a witness, i was a participant. it is bigger than any chit-chat conversation or glass of something foreign and fantastic. designer steak on a plate does not equal the food fed to my mind. my mind feels alive.
had a fantastic phone call from a wonderful guy. so glad (yet sad- in a bittersweet way) he is out there, doing well, getting better, so he can hopefully come back here and thrive. or out west. or up north. wherever. probably the best half-hour convo. why? because i felt that he is doing well. we did not mention any conditions or concerns- all constructive. i did something to initiate that. makes me feel like a real friend. i get off on changing lives.

still worried about her. decisions. yes, she is happy. when she juxtaposes our lives it is safe to say that it seems unfair. it hurts me. i remain in orbit with an eye of concern. my hand is out there... reaching. you can take the whorese to water, but you can't make her drink.

saturday i am hosting some people i know from a while ago, mixed with some people i have not known too long, in an apartment i have lived in for an amount of time between the length of those two groups' relationships. rock on. should be a blast.

right now i must go grab some sleep. i hear that doctors are recommending that nowadays. mmm, maybe i will give it a try.

*

math equation for 11.13.06, a rainy afternoon in the fall

inspiration.
+
breakfast at a favorite place with people from home. tour. wandering soho. running into a poodle. a classy exchange for something crisp. a coffee from the french. a subway ride uptown.
+
see him. bye to them. fifth avenue walk in the rain with gorgeous glances. moments of laughter, eye contact, fun.
+
frick. art. old stuff. beautiful home. do people live like that? right.
+
park. he said what? heightened moments. special laughter. special hands. pending responses.
+
two burgers. a few fries, coupla beers. bits of grafitti. love. subway, downtown.
+
running in rain, laughing. release. phone. brother. tickets in the basket. buddy. an accented voicemail sounding like a forecast. a cute text message.
+
chat with bud. conversation of laughter. maybe a bit too dirty, but what-the-hell. someone has got to know.
=
visions of many possible realities. all are pretty inviting, even when it is foggy. one thing i am certain about. and it is right. all else will fall into place. it always does, right?

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. -Oscar Wilde

November 13, 2006

Good morning. I wish I had a cohesive, verbal reality for what I have been feeling, but I don’t. That is okay. That is when things just get typed, and they do what they may.

There have been many fantastic transitions over the past month. I am seeing things differently. I am convinced that they are all connected somehow.

For my age, where I am, who I am, what I am, and why I am here- I am pleasantly convinced that this is just about as good as it gets. Oh, I know it will get better… but for now, this is it. I open and close each day with the satisfaction that all of this is a blessing, and it must be taken care of.

I am involved in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like I just woke up. Someone who makes me feel like I just ascended the main stairs at the Met on a sunny Saturday. Someone who makes me feel like the subway just pulled in as I stepped onto the platform, there are two empty seats, and it is going express to my stop. Someone who makes me feel that everything is in sync. He makes me feel like the curtain has just gone up, time has stopped for questions, and that the imagination is not insane, but appropriately active. I am lucky.

I have begun a new job with a progressive startup company. Was very glad to leave the old gig. As my mother taught me to say “bless their hearts…”. In this case, Harts. The new venture is a young architectural/developmental/design firm in Soho. My creative mind gets tickled there everyday and the after effects of that are evident in almost every other aspect of my life.

School is going well, too. Loving my classes and have been doing well. French is still kicking my ass. I have such a hard time learning another language… maybe I should just immerse myself in it. I want it, and if I can work hard enough, I will get it. I suppose it is never enough…

Family is well. Mother is getting back on track. Father is happy and dating someone wonderful. Brother is wonderfully wrapped up in being engaged and his fiancé is a sweetheart.

My life coach and I have seen some great shows lately. Namely, Cirque du Soleil’s “Delirium”. I adore that company. I worship what they do. I am constantly amazed how they are able to manipulate music, visuals, and the human body. Their creative developers are flawlessly able to create a tangible world for the infinite and imaginative. Everyone can watch and be affected. It creeps up your spine, taps you on the shoulder, looks you in the eye and asks, “is this real?” and the correct answer is “yes”.



Here are some lyrics that have recently inspired me:

Walk on water, walk on air
Scratch the surface if you date
You’ll go further if you learn to
skim

You can rise above it all
But why walk when you can crawl?
Just be sure always slice it
thin

You can linger in the shallows
Take the bait but never swallow
Close your eyes and never
Question why

Always cooler in the shadows
Why lead when you can follow?
You’ll never lose if you don’t try

Walk on water, walk on air
Scratch the surface if you care
Nothing inside, nothing to hide

It’ll all be so much clearer
Don’t look in the mirror
Lay back, just let yourself slide

Walk on water, walk on air
Scratch the surface if you date
Things go better when you let it slide

There’s a truth in every lie
Lay back, just let it slide
You’ll always be the apple of your eye

“Walk On Water”, Benoit Jutras, Cirque du Soleil’s “Delirium”

You think heaven so high
In the sky
But what you seek can never
Be found
Why can’t you see what’s in front
Of your eyes?
Why can’t you keep your feet on
The ground?

Oh my, you’re way too high
Too high
You’re reaching for the sky
Too high

The quest is never-ending
The darkness fills the sky
You’re crying out for answers
There’s no reply

You can’t go back if all the bridges
are burned
‘cause what you were you can never
become
And once you leave you can
never return
When you’re out there you’ll have
nowhere to run

It’s time to face your demons
There’s nowhere left to hide
You’re at the edge of reason
You’re flying way too high

“Too High”, Robbie Dillon, Cirque du Soleil’s “Delirium”

Shortbus

I just got home freom seeing Shortbus with my dear friend Kelly. The movie started at 10:30pm. Its 2:45am. I am pretty sure the film was not 4 hours long and we had dinner before the film.This statement is my personal testament to the film. Enough said. Go see it. It might be best if you pretend that I didn't reccomend the film, but do yourself a favor- whoever you are- and go see John Cameron Mitchell's "Shortbus".

so shut, my eyes are wide open.

October 1, 2006
I have two options. I can live my life as I see fit, or I can conform.

On Friday, September 29, 2006, The New York Times published “Strong Challenge to Zambia’s Present” by Michael Wines, an article citing the popular turnout in rural Zambia for a presidential campaign. The supporting photograph showing a few hundred Zambian’s waiting to enter a tent and cast their vote brings tears to my eyes as an American facing ignorance towards the ability we have to impact our own lives by voting. A “new” nation with “old” concepts- makes us jaded, skipping the important understanding that living in a democracy is powerful. Knowledge is power, and taking into consideration that we have the power to speak our minds… wow. A people can move mountains.
This South African population discovering the gift of democracy and fairness is powerful and inspiring. Knowledge is power, and power transcends to affect the lives of those seeking growth. Change is possible, and it begins with each of us.


As I pump and sip from the ice-cold keg, shake another damp, cold hand and look into the eyes of a protected, educated, naive group of souls. Simple, happy, protected naive souls. I see the defiance to acknowledge a world of possibilities- or lack thereof due to this phenomenon of “protection”.

Sometimes we seek the affection, attention, and association of an un-worthy other. Sometimes we sit in the dark to see the night, unable to reach the switch for the overhead- the one that shines the light.

There are many changes and choices in life. Our options are scattered in our atmosphere. Things become clear as we take chances. Slide it in, fill it up, and give me the knowledge that will open my eyes a little bit wider.

Gravity, gas, and guts keep us going. We keep moving, circulating, inspiring, denying, and lying. Useless conversations, wasted airspace, unlimited cell phone minutes, and using the word “like” too much deny the next generation of all optimal options.

People come. People go. Some people come, come again, and then leave. Going and leaving are two different actions. “Going,” insinuates coming back. “Leaving” feels more permanent.

The view from these eyes is bright. The tangible reality mixed with exponential imaginations yields a gut instinct that any and everything can and will be possible. I can defy them. I can prove them wrong with my correctness.

Success is a funny, fickle, and fortuitous sensation. A dynamic perspective and humble nature.

All of these people are going to come, but there are only about ten here now, which worries me. I just hope this works out. I hope that everything is okay. I hope that this is a success and it all works out. I want to see the eyes light up. I want to fill the nightlife up. I want to open the air with my scream of joy. I want to know what if feels like to be a boy

Just give her a little push, and extra bit of help that she might need to get back on her feet. There is plenty of pavement to walk, things to talk, nights to stalk.

It is not my fault. We are just the same, one coming from the other. Troubles come and go. You can never stand in the same river twice. You can’t get that moment back. You can’t schedule your tomorrow. The only things real are the ones you borrow- because they connect you to someone else. Someone who will give you a response. Someone who enjoys a warm meal, hug, and chat.

Tighter shoes won’t give blisters so big. Dropping beats directly in the ear hides the noise of reality. Money can’t talk but it does have a mighty voice. I am able to speak without spending.